When it comes to horror movies, I’m usually putting as much distance between myself and that evil as possible. But even I know that if you want to survive in a horror movie, then there are certain rules you MUST OBEY. Rules that despite how common sense they may seem to you and me, never seem to cross the minds of the unfortunate victims of these gory scare fests.
Well I will tolerate this ignorance no longer! With the knowledge I’ve gathered, I plan to do my part to save these stupid kiddos by laying down a handful of some very common horror story rules.
You this this? THIS is a child. And in horror movies, you do NOT mess with these. These children are here to screw you over. They usually spit out some innocent sounding line like “Will you play with me?” or “I was naughty” or some janky phrase along those lines. If you should come across a child you don’t know, do not get near it, do not talk to it, do not follow it if it leaves the room giggling, do not even TOUCH IT. If it asks you to play with it, you back right up and run the other way! Children are some of the creepiest things I have ever seen in horror movies. DO. NOT. MESS. WITH. IT. Think of it as talking to strangers. Don’t do it.
Don’t have sex. What, you can’t wait two hours until the movie is finished?! Well how about this?
He gets it! Except for in this case, you’ll probably just die. You think the killer will have the decency to wait a few weeks so you can find out? PUH-LEEZ. If he had any decency, he probably wouldn’t be running around killing bimbos and frat boys in the first place! And do you know WHY the killer always finds the couple who does the hanky panky?! DO YOU?!
It’s probably because he can HEAR YOU! What, you think you’re they only people in that house or something? He’s probably walking around, minding his own business, when he hears you getting frisky in the other room! GET IT TOGETHER. YOU AINT NO CHURCH MICE.
Never split up! Does this LOOK like Scooby Doo to you?! You’re just making yourself an easy kill! If someone says anything about going separate ways, you punch them in the throat right now and shut them up before it’s too late. Hold hands or something, I don’t care! Later on, you can all go get your own kitchen knives and when the killer shows up you can all stab him together!
This is no time for a shower! Do you know how defenseless you are?! What are you going to do when the killer comes for you? Squeeze shampoo in his eyes?! HE’S WEARING A MASK STUPID. You’re dead. You’re. Just. Dead. Along with naked and wet, your hair is full of soap, and you haven’t completely washed the mascara off so now it’s running, and you just look terrible. So don’t do it.
And finally, my favorite survival rule of them all: Don’t wear heels. Because lets face it ladies, when the killer is chasing you in your hottest set of pumps it’ll probably be through the mud. Not only are you about to die, but your favorite pair of shoes is now ruined. And do you know why the killer always catches up so fast despite the fact that he NEVER runs? Ladies, he’s been around the block enough times to know an easy target when he sees one. He sees those fine heels you’re working, and he knows that all he has to do is trail behind until you trip and snap your ankle. Instead of trying to arouse your boyfriend into sex and getting the both of you killed by wearing your sexiest pair of heels, wear some good running shoes. That way even if you die, at least the killer would have had to have broken a sweat to catch you.
These are my five favorite Horror survival tips. Have a safe night victims!